Distraction
by WordKrush
Summary: In which Shepard is introduced to the (embarrassing) joys of fanfiction.


In which Shepard is introduced to the (embarrassing ) joys of fanfiction.

**A/N: I offer this short piece as my humble holiday gift to the many writers here whose wonderful stories continue to delight and inspire. There is some AMAZING talent lurking at this site and I am intensely grateful for the passion and effort you've put in your stories. Thank you all so very much!**

Bioware owns all.

**Distraction**

* * *

"The bomb was almost a disaster for the Krogan, Garrus." Shepard glanced over her shoulder at the tall Turian, her expression strained and worn. "It _was _a disaster for the Primarch's son."

With a one taloned hand on her shoulder, Garrus guided Shepard toward the door of the port lounge with a gentle nudge. "You won't get any arguments from me about that, Shepard, but right now it's time to take a few minute and relax over a drink. You need it."

Shepard knew he was right. Long nights with little sleep and days filled with constant worry were beginning to take their toll. She felt stretched thin and tense. She had even snapped at Specialist Traynor who was skittish enough as it was without a rebuke from her commanding officer. She made a mental note to find her later and apologize.

The simple truth was the entire crew was feeling the strain of their mission but she lacked the time or energy to devise a distraction. A deep sigh forced it's way past her lips as she added another item on the long list of things to feel guilty about. Christ, she was getting positively maudlin.

"I think you're right, Garrus. A drink and a few hours of down time are exactly what I need."

As she entered the lounge, warmth flooded her. Liara sat ensconced with Tali and Traynor on the sofa under the viewing window. Their heads were bent together as they huddled around the glowing screen of Tali's omnitool. The trio was so engrossed in what they were viewing they hadn't heard her enter.

"Hey you three! What's up?"

Three heads jerked up in unison. Tali's fingers jumped frantically to her wrist, fumbling with her omnitool until the screen blinked away. "Keelah Shepard! It's rude to sneak up on people!"

As she took in the telltale flush of Liara's cheeks, Traynor's complete avoidance of eye contact, and the nervous manner in which Tali continued fidgeting with her omni, Jane's eyes narrowed with suspicion "What are you three up to?"

They cast anxious looks at each other before Liara responded, her usually lilting voice warbling with nerves. "We were simply reviewing some recent extranet updates, Shepard."

"That's right, Commander." Traynor stammered. "It's very important that we keep up with the latest, er, news and information."

Crossing her arms over her chest, Shepard eyed them skeptically. "Correct me if I'm wrong Traynor, but don't you already monitor extranet feeds in your role as _Comm Specialist_?" As Traynor once again averted her gaze and shrank farther into the sofa, Shepard turned to Liara. "And Liara, what could Tali possibly have on her omni that you can't access in your office?"

Liara lifted her chin. "That is beside the point. These updates are…well, they are unofficial and quite different than the data I typically review, and.." Liara winced as a sharp quarian elbow dug painfully into her ribs.

"What Liara is trying to say, Shepard, is the information we were viewing is not relevant to the mission, therefore she has not received it in her office nor would Specialist Traynor have cause to access it at her post." The young quarian squared her shoulders defiantly. "It is…it is personal."

Shepard looked to Garrus who quickly affirmed her suspicions. "No doubt about it, Shepard; they're up to something." Garrus strolled forward and took a seat at the bar. "The question is what?" His mandibles quivered as he chuckled.

Shepard's brow arched and she grinned. "You're looking at Fornax aren't you?"

Liara's imperious glare was worthy of a matriarch. "We are most certainly _not _looking at that pornographic trash." Her gaze faltered. "That is to say, the material is not precisely pornographic, but rather more…" Her hands stirred the air as she struggled to explain.

"I believe the term you are looking for is 'erotica', Dr. T'Soni, often referred to as 'smut'." EDI's dulcet voice spoke from the ceiling. "Jeff routinely discards materials that fall within this category feeling pornography to be of greater value and appeal due to its less emotive and more graphic content. His opinion may change when he discovers there are nearly five thousand entries at the site you are viewing in which he is a primary protagonist. Even though some of his attributes are…greatly exaggerated."

At the bar, the mouthful of dextro-liquor Garrus attempted to swallow spewed across the floor. "What?"

"Goddess." Liara's face turned a startling shade of lavender. Beside her, Traynor slammed her eyes shut and practically melted into the sofa, while Tali sat so still she looked like she'd been hit with a cryo-blast.

Shepard stared at EDI's camera, trying to make sense of what the AI had just said. "EDI, can you please explain?"

Tali jerked to her feet and stabbed EDI's camera with an icy glare before turning to Shepard with a growl. "Oh Keelah Shepard! We are _not _ reading about Joker's exaggerated _attributes _! It's fan fiction! We are reading fan fiction!"

"Fiction about Joker?" Shepard paused. " He has fans?" She stared at Tali in disbelief. "I don't think I understand."At a loss, she looked to Liara for guidance however the asari seemed to have joined Traynor in the act of trying to be absorbed by the sofa.

"Obviously bosh'tet!" Tali stalked to Shepard's side and her omnitool flared to life. She stabbed at the screen. "Here! They are fictional stories written by admirers about actual people and places or fictional characters. There are stories about literary characters, game characters. Practically any type of character from every species imaginable."

Shepard stared at the screen, her eyes stretched wide. "There are _five thousand PORN _stories about Joker?"

"Of course not!" Tali scoffed. "At least most of them are not pornographic though it does seem to be well known that he enjoys pornography."

"Your own fandom is significantly larger, Commander. There is nearly ten times the volume of content about you." EDI said.

At the bar, Garrus erupted with laughter.

"EDI, send me the link." In a daze, Shepard stumbled forward, activating her omnitool as she fell backward onto the cushions beside Liara. With a mixture of reluctance and eerie fascination, she began to study the screen. "Well this isn't so bad. Here's one where I singlehandedly defeat the reapers using Zaeed's old gun and Mess Sergeant Gardner's gumbo." Her eyes trailed farther and her face lit. "Hey Liara, here's one about me and you." She enthusiastically tapped the screen.

A choking sound escaped from the asari who suddenly regained the use of her limbs and lurched forward, energetically grabbing at Shepard's arm. "Goddess Shepard! Don't…

Restraining Liara with a stiff arm, Shepard began to read then blinked repeatedly at the text on the screen.

Shepard had eaten a Krogan dish once that contained a rare pepper-like spice rumored to be the hottest in the galaxy. The aroma was so pungent she had begun to sweat before the fork reached her lips and after tasting it, her face had turned so red she thought her skin would blister and peel. This was worse. Infinitely worse. She felt like the Normandy's internal emissions had just been vented on her face. "Oh. My. God." Unable to tear her eyes away, she continued reading. "I most certainly do _not_…is that even _possible_?...How could they possibly know _that_…"

"By the Goddess Athame Shepard! It's fiction!" Liara appeared torn between mortification and anger as she gave Jane an unmistakably pointed look. "They are fabricated stories with absolutely no basis in fact."

Liara's vehemence was such that Shepard found herself nodding in agreement even though she wasn't entirely certain what she was agreeing to. The move seemed to placate the asari who visibly relaxed.

Tali sat down to her left and began talking animatedly. "There are some amazing stories in here Shepard." Tali reached over and tapped the screen. "In this one, you are a young body guard providing security for Liara as she travels."

Liara's face began to return to its normal color, and her eyes softened as a gentle smile played across her lips. "Oh, I like that one."

"And in this one Shepard, you are a cigar smoking, guitar playing renegade with a tragic past whose love for Liara carries you through your darkest hour." Tali clasped her hands together over her chest. "It is very romantic."

Shepard turned to the quarian and stared. Though she could not see Tali's face, her body language clearly conveyed her earnestness. "I can't believe you read this stuff, Tali." As Shepard's eyes returned to the screen, she caught Tali's name. "Ha! Here's one about you."

Tali squeeked and slapped at the screen. "I am certain it is completely uninteresting!"

Twisting at the last moment, Jane pulled her arm from Tali's reach. "Let's just see how boring it is, shall we?" Her eyes fell to her wrist and she read. "Wait. Is there a _guy_ named Shepard, too?"

Tali's voice was muffled by her palms as she buried her face against her hands.

"Sometimes the authors write you as a…well, as a man, Commander." Traynor said, her ability to speak apparently recovered.

"Hey." His curiosity finally getting the better of him, Garrus approached the sofa. "Let me take a look at that."

"Step back, Vakarian." Jane cradled her glowing arm protectively before turning her attention to the blushing Specialist. "I don't understand." She continued scanning the displayed page. "Why would anyone write me as a..." As she read farther her eyes grew as round as twin moons. "Oh." She cast a sideways glance at Tali who turned her head just long enough to peek from behind her fingers before turning away. "Oh." Shepard repeated.

"Can we please stop discussing this now?" Tali's muffled voice implored.

"I don't know Tali." Garrus said. "This all seems very _interesting_. Besides, with my rugged appeal, I've got to be in here somewhere." Activating his own omni, Garrus sat down beside Tali, his bulky armor causing him to dominate the remainder of the space so that the sofa's other occupants were forced closer together. "Hey EDI, what is a chicken?"

"A flightless fowl native to earth that provides high protein nutrition via its eggs and meat. They are frequently utilized for comparative analysis of other foods as well. I have heard it said many non-human foods 'taste like chicken'."

Garrus thoughtfully scraped a gloved Talon across his chin. "So they aren't hulking and ferocious? They don't fight?"

"That is correct. In fact, among humans, to call someone "chicken" indicates cowardice."

At Garrus's grunt of disappointment, Shepard snorted laughter.

"Laugh all you want, Shepard." Garrus snarked. "According to the same writer, you're a sheep."

"Oh! I know that story! It's really good!" Traynor leaned forward to better see Garrus. "And for the record, Garrus, in human culture a shepherd is seen as a protector and guide."

Reading on, Garrus chuckled. "Yes, I can see how she's _guiding_ Liara."

Liara sat so near Shepard could feel the heat radiating from her flare at Garrus's words. Desperate to draw attention away from herself and Liara, Shepard shuffled through the expansive list of tales until she saw a name unrelated to the Normandy crew but still startlingly familiar. "Aria and Councilor Tevos? Ha! Like that would ever happen!"

As Shepard moved to open the document Liara groaned, her voice thick with misery. "This cannot be happening."

Shepard sucked in a deep breath as she quickly read through the first several pages. "Holy. God."

"Careful there Commander. That one has a bit of a bite to it." Traynor said.

Shepard paused to arch one brow at the Comm Specialist. " Where do you fall in all this Traynor? Garrus is a chicken, I'm a sheep."

"And a cowgirl." Tali added with enthisiasm. "Oh, and an ancient hero too… among other things."

"Let's not forget she's also a man." Garrus nudged Tali and snickered.

Still eyeing Traynor, Shepard shushed them with a wave. " So what's your role?"

Traynor froze, her eyes snapping to Liara and back to Shepard's rapidly. She opened her mouth to speak but after several futile attempts at generating a sound, snapped her jaw shut with an audible click. Her brown skin nearly glowed from the warmth suffusing her cheeks as her eyes jumped to Liara again before dancing away.

As if unable to bear the silence any longer, Liara spoke, choking out the words. "You and Traynor…and I. We…we…"

If a person could be said to melt, that is exactly what Traynor did as she slid bonelessly to the floor and buried her face against her arms. "Liara if you do not stop talking I swear I will reroute the power from your office to auxiliary systems through so many exchanges it will take you a solid week to repair."

"We what?" Shepard insisted.

"You really are a bosh'tet Shepard." Tali said. "In several of the stories you three have a thing!" She waved one arm wildly as if to clarify. "You know…a _thing_!"

Understanding, sharp and clear as a crystal bell chimed in Shepard's head. "Oh." The room felt sweltering. "Well then." She swiped her suddenly damp palms against the thighs of her trousers not daring to glance at Liara or Traynor, who was muttering incoherently to herself from the floor.

"Right." Without uttering another word, Jane quietly rose, went to the bar, and poured five tall tumblers of Serrice Brandy. She handed one to every person in the room before collapsing back onto the sofa and taking a deep drink. She had wanted her crew to find a distraction. Apparently, they had succeeded. To her surprise, she realized she hadn't had a single thought about the war since entering the room.

Leaning back, she activated her omni-tool and blatantly ignoring everyone else, began to read. Within seconds, Liara snuggled close to read over her shoulder, and smiling to herself, Jane threw an arm around her and pulled her close. Shortly thereafter, four other screens silently popped open to illuminate the room with a faint orange glow as the group sat together and read.

Several hours later Joker shuffled into the lounge, greeted only by the active silence of his Commander with Liara at her side, Tali, Garrus, and Traynor staring raptly at omni-screens. The clustered group was so wrapped up in whatever they were viewing, they remained oblivious to his presence. His eyes narrowed as he studied their faces and his mouth twisted in a knowing smirk. That sort of attentiveness only came from one thing.

"Damn, are you _all_ looking at Fornax?"

Five pairs of startled eyes leapt to the door, but only the Commander met his gaze. "Why yes, Joker. Yes we are."

**Several reviewers have pointed out that I failed to include many excellent stories. It's true; I did. There were TONS of stories I wanted to reference with this piece. TONS! Unfortunately, there were too many to make it work without resorting to blatant name dropping or stretching the dialogue out to the point that it lost its impact and went from funny to just 'meh'. Instead, I opted to reference a handful of stories that resonate with me personally as a reader and fan and facillitated the dialogue/tension I was looking for. Please know, even if I do not specifically mention *your* story, or one you find particularly relevant, I am still tipping my hat to you. My goal was to capture the spirit of fanfiction in all it's escapist, guilty pleasure glory and distill it into a humorous story. I read an ass-ton of fanfic and I try to diligently review and fave. Sometimes I fall short of the mark (omg especially with the faves!). Real life has a way of rearing its intrusive head at inopportune times. I hope I've made certain in reviews that you know how appreciative I am for the work you all do. You all blow me away! :) **


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